I feel old just typing two under two. I seriously can’t believe that I have two children. I feel like it was just yesterday I was staying up all night watching 8 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy in a row, going to dinner at 9pm, and taking 30 minute showers.
My life was forever changed the moment Luca came into this world. If I think about when they first laid him on my chest, I start crying. Overwhelming, all-consuming, love at first sight. I remembered the first night in the hospital holding him all night while he slept and just staring at him. I remember thinking, “I can’t believe they are going to just let us take him home.. we have no idea what to do.” You learn pretty quickly. If I am being honest, I don’t like the infant stage. I found the first few months with Luca extremely difficulty (as I’m sure most new moms do. ) No one likes to talk about how you feel after you have the baby. No one likes to talk about postpartum depression. No one likes to talk about the fact that your life changes overnight and nothing is your own anymore. Your entire world revolves around this tiny human who depends on you for everything. Talk about responsibility. The first few months were a blur, but i started to see a glimpse of hope once we started sleep training and he started actually sleeping.
I think one of the hardest realities for me was the fact that my life was no longer mine. I am a girl that loves a schedule and a plan. I look at menu’s before I arrive at a restaurant because I want to know what I am ordering. When Ben and I go on vacation, its guaranteed that each day will have an itinerary. This is how I relax, I love structure. That all went out the window with a kid. Your schedule no longer comes first, their’s does. Your plans no longer come first, whatever they need does. This was a major adjustment for me, and still is.
I feel like Ben and I were finally getting into a rhythm with Luca once he turned eight months old. He was pretty easy at this point, our lives felt back to normal…(well our new normal…) and then *BOOM* 3 positive pregnancy tests. I cried for days and days. I don’t want to sound ungrateful because I am very aware that a lot of women would do anything to see a positive pregnancy test but I couldn’t be happy in that moment. I felt like I could have had/possibly really did have a breakdown in that moment. "Another baby? But Luca is still a baby. I can’t do this.” I waited three days to tell Ben because I was so scared of his reaction. But once I told him he made me feel a lot better. Ready or not, here we go again…
The second pregnancy flew by so fast. With Luca, I would nap when I was tired. I would take the day off when my body hurt. Not so easy when you have a 1 year old learning to walk and into everything he can get his hands on. I feel like I blinked and I was back at the hospital getting ready to deliver. Leo’s entrance into the world was amazing, so easy and so quick. ( 1 minute and 47 seconds to be exact. ) We got back to our room to recover and my parents brought Luca in... I sat there looking at Ben holding our little boy meeting our little girl and tears began to fill my eyes. I was so emotional, I felt like my heart could have exploded.
We have had two babies under two years old for almost 7 months now.
Is it crazy? Absolutely.
Do I feel like I’m losing my mind most days? For sure.
Do I spend an insane about of money on diapers? You bet.
Do my boobs look totally sad, deflated, and different? I don’t wanna talk about it.
Would I change having them so close together? Never.
I feel like we starting to get into a rhythm with them both. We have our bad days, and bad weeks but it really does get easier. I know that they will be the best of friends in a few months and I can’t wait to see them play together. Some of the things that have helped me these last few weeks:
Remember that it’s just a season
Someday’s I don’t get a shower until Leo goes to sleep at night. Someday’s my food consist of Luca’s organic pop tarts and coffee. Someday’s I cry. Someday’s I scream and lose my temper. Ive learned I have to give myself grace and give myself credit for the small wins during the day. I have to tell myself to calm down and just laugh multiple times a day. I know one day I will wish I could change another dirty diaper, or give Luca another bath and put him to bed. It goes by so quickly, and I want to remember this even though it is crazy at the moment.
It’s okay if they cry (and It’s Okay If You Cry too.)
This is so hard for me. When Leo cries, it does something to my head, I tense up and start to freak out immediately. When Leo starts to cry in the car, I want to turn around and go home. I can’t remember how many times I have said to Ben “ This is why I don’t like to go anywhere.” If they are fed, burped, changed, and not sleepy…..and they cry, that’s okay. They are going to be okay. Its not going to kill them or hurt them. And mama, If you need to cry… do it. Give yourself a few minutes, let it out and then get it together. You are stronger than you think.
Getting Help Doesn’t Mean You’re a Bad Mom.
When I was younger and would play pretend with my baby dolls I never handed the baby doll off to a nanny… I took care of that baby doll all by myself. When I had kids, I figured that I would do it all by myself and tried to do it by myself. I failed. I am the first to say that I NEED HELP. Hiring a nanny was one of the best decisions I have made as a mom. It has allowed me to work, to be able to go to the gym, out on a date with my husband, go to the grocery store alone, etc etc etc. Whether it’s family or someone you hire, help is good. It takes a village.
Make time for yourself.
Any mom knows the struggle with this. You feel guilty for needing a break. You feel guilty while your taking the break, but it is so important to take time for yourself. Maybe one day its going to get your nails done for an hour and maybe one day its having a 15 minute bath after everyone is asleep to just be in quiet. I don’t believe the actual time you spend is as important as just doing something everyday for just you. You can’t run on an empty tank. Fill it up day by day and you will be surprised how differently you will feel, how much more patience you will have, and how different your outlook on the day will shift.
I can be negative, I am working on that. I can assume the worst in the situation and let my mind go wonder down a rabbit hole. I read this article a few months ago and it said that if you end each day with a list of everything you are thankful for that happened that day you will wake up the next morning happier. I started writing it down in my phone at night on my notes app. So simple, yet so powerful.
These are some of the things I have written down over the last few months:
I’m thankful that Ben gets up with Luca in the morning so I can sleep an extra hour.
I’m thankful for my iced vanilla lattes in the morning.
I’m thankful that I have the means to provide both my babies with diapers.
I’m thankful for Monster Truck Youtube videos and how much Luca is entertained by them.
I’m thankful for my friends with kids, and getting to do life with them.
I’m thankful for my Mom and how much she has helped me.
I’m thankful for my body and everything its been through the last two years.
I’m thankful for peace from God when I feel anxious.
I’m thankful for eyelash extensions.
Two under two in no joke. But I am so thankful for my beautiful babies. Luca James and Leo Jacqueline have changed my life forever in the best way. They have opened up parts of my heart I never knew existed. Being their mom has given me purpose and more joy than I could have hoped for in life. It’s a wild ride but I am happy to be on it. I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time but I also know that I’m not alone and neither are you. Mama’s if you are reading this and need a reminder: you’re strong, you’re beautiful, and you’re doing a great job.
“It’s okay if they cry (and it’s okay if you cry too) “